Afflicted
In my last post, I touched on the significance of Isaiah 54 in my life, and I will explain more about why the words of this chapter of the bible mean so much to me personally (and why I believe many other adoptees may relate to what I am explaining).
At the beginning of this chapter is the descriptor, "A Perpetual Covenant of Peace". One of the things I have always craved my whole life, is peace. The short definition of "afflictions"in the merriam-webster online dictionary is "something (such as a disease) that causes pain or suffering; or the state of being affected by something that causes suffering". The reason that I was so deeply affected by this chapter of Isaiah is that it described my condition and promised not just relief from the symptoms but complete redemption. There were a lot of symptoms in my life that all had their root in the circumstances of my birth and the beliefs that ensued from this.
During the era of my birth, it was considered a very shameful thing for a woman to have a child outside of marriage. Many women found themselves as temporary social outcasts because of their pregnancy, often being secretly sent away to homes for unwed mothers, being cut off from news from home, and deliberately kept away from the father of their child, if he desired to take responsibility for his child. Many of the women were told by their families that they were not welcome back home until they gave their baby up for adoption, and often they were told to keep their pregnancy a secret to avoid shame. Once their child was born and they left the hospital without the baby, they were told to put it behind them and get on with their lives as though it had never happened.
These factors all had a profound impact on me, as I felt the shame of my "illegitimacy" very keenly. I was raised in church, but found it difficult to identify with the promises of the bible for God's people. I struggled with my faith and with the circumstances of my life. I questioned why people who claimed to be Christians, seemed fine with the secrecy and shame that was perpetuated by the adoption practices and closed adoption system of Australia at the time. I experienced comments from churchgoing people about "illegitimacy" being a curse according to Deuteronomy 23:2: "One of illegitimate birth shall not enter the assembly of the Lord; even to the tenth generation none of his descendants shall enter the assembly of the Lord".
One young man, debating about the bible with someone whilst I was present, went as far as to say that a child born out of wedlock would never be truly "saved" or go to heaven, at which point I became very upset. It was only many years later, after I studied this for myself, that I found out the original meaning of "mamzer" translated as "bastard" or "illegitimate" into English was talking about Jewish children born of incest or adultery, and was discussing the person's restricted marriage prospects within the Jewish community or ineligibility to serve as priests under ancient Jewish law. For further interesting reading on the subject, read these two articles:
http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/articles/2648-bastard
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mamzer
Well, if only I had access to the internet back when this young man had made his comment, I could have easily researched to subject in the privacy of my home (but maybe the shame that had stopped me asking for information back then would have prevented me from even doing the research on the internet, had it existed back then). That's the thing about shame - it makes you want to run and hide, in case your worst fears about yourself are realised. If you are closely familiar with this affliction called shame, may I encourage you to dare to ask, dare to seek, and dare to break out of the prison that shame has held you in regarding any area of your life or your identity.
You may just find yourself laughing until you cry, as I have so many times, as light of revelation shines and reveals the way that this deception has tangled you up in knots of self-loathing and fear. There are many people in this life who are quite happy to put shame on you. Sometimes it is because they view you as an easy scapegoat to take the blame for their own shortcomings. Sometimes it is because they have been taught in error (as the young man I have mentioned).
There is a story in the bible that I have always loved very much, as it demonstrates the difference between how man sees things and how God sees things. It goes like this:
John 8: 1 - 11
But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
2 Now early[a] in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people came to Him; and He sat down and taught them. 3 Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, 4 they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught[b] in adultery, in the very act. 5 Now Moses, in the law, commanded[c] us that such should be stoned.[d] But what do You say?”[e] 6 This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear.[f]
7 So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up[g] and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” 8 And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9 Then those who heard it,being convicted by their conscience,[h] went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. 10 When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her,[i] “Woman, where are those accusers of yours?[j] Has no one condemned you?”
11 She said, “No one, Lord.”
And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and[k] sin no more.”
There is no shame and no sin too big for God to handle. He is for us, not against us. Sometimes it just takes a giant leap of faith to take the risk of believing that, when life has told us otherwise.
Until next time, as they say in Hebrew, Shalom Aleichem.
